this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
