Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
