Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
