this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
