I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Randomize
