just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Michael Bay diarrhea
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
