I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Randomize
