So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
