i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Randomize
