How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
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She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
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I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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