Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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