She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
