I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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