I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
