the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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