I wish I could teleport
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
