he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
