I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
