I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
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