I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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