he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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