the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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