I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
