Swine flu. Run for my life!
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
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