Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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