things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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