McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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