Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Randomize
