She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Randomize
