Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
