Your face is a jimmy john
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
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