The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
