You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I'm gonna fight the coyote
how drunk are you?
Several
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Randomize
