i wish my penis had a tongue
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
