96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
