I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
