took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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