Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I have fence marks all over my body
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Randomize
