my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
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