just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
