the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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