1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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