at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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