My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
