I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Randomize
