chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
