I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Randomize
