Already got asked if we're dating
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
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