Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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