I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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