It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
