Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
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At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
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I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
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