It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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