I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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