Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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