I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
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