The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
