so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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