Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Randomize
