Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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