drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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